Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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