Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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