You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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