Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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