its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
