If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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