It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
