I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
