Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
