I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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