I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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