The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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