so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
If I die, sorry about rent.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
