Don't make out with my wife yet
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
