Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Randomize
