Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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