the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
