just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
