If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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