I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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