we're chasing vodka with high fives
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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