I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
