his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
