we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Randomize
