I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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