We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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