i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
