Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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