I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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