i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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