Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
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