remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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