So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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