i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
