Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
