did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
