The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
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