I feel like I'm in dance class right now
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
