I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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