Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
