I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
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