i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
