I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize