Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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