No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
