So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
