I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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