I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
