so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I think my nap took me to another dimension
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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