I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
