The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
