I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Randomize
