Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
