The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
