So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
