how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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