She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
