the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
