Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Threesome in a minivan. New low
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
