Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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