she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
